Wednesday, 16 September 2009

• There's something about a new t-shirt. The girl sitting next to me in the computer lab is wearing the same shirt as I am. I commented, and then realized, it's the shirt from the conference yesterady, so she must have been there...which means she heard me speak. Weird. The girl that I worked with this morning also had hers on. I'm wearing new jeans, and the newness of my outfit makes me feel good. Can't explain it, but it does. I'm wearing the shirt not only because it's new but because it's got a recovery message and CMH's information on it. I have class tonight, so the shirt is comforting in a way because it reminds me of what all is here while I'm going down there into relative newness. And it's a show-off thing because I'm proud of what I did.

  The speech went well. I stumbled over words both times I practiced out loud, but I didn't when I gave it, which make me really happy. I lost my place a few times because I was reading and looking up, so when I tried to memorize longer portions, I would look down and not be able to find my place. I still worry about it being scripted because I'd rather just speak naturally, but my memory does not allow for that in this length of speech. I also chose my words carefully to get everything in, so I needed to stick by what I had written.

  The thing that amazes and makes me feel extrordinarly good is the support I received. My bosses talked with me before and told me how well I did after. They even brought it up again today. My friend that was there posted on here Facebook that she was proud of me, and lots of people commented on my status or liked it to show their support. Most of the people I sent my speech to wrote back with words of encouragement and good luck and wanting to know how it went. I am so lucky. I thanked God this morning. I need to be more mindful of how much I am blessed and how it was in God's plan all along that I'd get what I needed eventually, even if in a different way.

  My boss asked me this moring if this is what I want to do, give speeches. I said yes, which surprised me even though it came from my mouth. She said because it's theraputic. It's not that really though. I like the reducing stigma part even though I am lucky again to not have experienced it directly. And I like telling people what it's like. Perhaps it's just the psychologist in me that likes to learn how people experience things. The hope that I offer, I think, is also beneficial, and I am glad I can give that message. I want to also tell people how they can help someone like me so that others can get the support they need too.

  I want to thank you, as readers, because I think that is also a type of support. It is the part of me that still sometimes thinks I'm worthless that is surprised when I hear one of my friends tell me that they read this blog or when somebody I don't know subscribes. I love that this can be my voice too and that people are interested in what I have to say.

  • 11:04 AM
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