Remember the "this is your brain (shows egg), this is your brain on drugs (shows frying egg)" commercial? I think they should bring it back for mental illness. And perhaps instead of frying the egg, scramble it. My brain has been feeling scrambled lately, more than usual. For a long time now (several years), I feel like I live in the present (which can be a good thing) but don't have a grasp on what needs to be done or what has recently happened. I'm so disorganized with school stuff. My dresser is full of papers. I haven't put them into a binder, and the semester is nearly over! It's not that I'm lazy. I could stop right now and do it, but I'm blogging to relieve stress, so I'd just as soon continue. I could do it when I'm done, but I'll have forgotten by then. And I still couldn't tell you what I did last week. Okay, if I thought about it, I could, but the information is not readily available. In church today, they asked how many people needed...there I go, can't remember...it was something like a major life change. I didn't get my hand up because I didn't qualify. Then, a minute or two later, I remembered that I might move, and that definitely qualified. You'd think with not wanting to move being on my mind constantly, I'd remember it in a second. My therapist had me get a planner, and it has helped. She explained that part of depression is behavioral, and when I started losing my ability to be organized and to remember stuff, it became a habit, so that's why even though my mood is fine, my lifestyle still indicates depression.

Someone on Facebook that I saw a couple hours ago asked if I was okay. I haven't heard that question in forever, except in therapy. It's odd because yes, I am okay relative to what has been my life for seven years now. My mood is stable, and my mind is in control. But when I got that comment, I took a look at why she might have said that, and I realized that I am a bit sad. It's a normal sad though. I have to shift this paragraph a little and comment that good things come to those who wait. There were times when I wanted so badly for this person to notice that I was hurting. And I would have definitely made a mess of things if she did. But times are different now, and since we didn't have that history, she can be a person I can talk to about the typical ups and downs. I'm pretty sure I still exhibit the tendency to overwhelm people when they ask if I'm okay, so I'll have to watch that.

Why am I down? First, I got to sleep with my rommates' dog last night even though they were home. They were talking about how she keeps them up with her chewing and moving around, so I thought I'd give them the chance to get a good night's sleep while getting some good quality time with the dog as well. One of my roommates wasn't happy this morning. I asked the other why, and he said that she likes Bailey in her room. I said she could have come to get her, but he said she thought that wasn't an option. So now I feel terrible that I kept Bailey from them all night even though I had a good intention. My roommate got out of work forty-five minutes ago, and she's not home, which means she's avoiding me. It's been a while since anyone has actually been mad at me even though I think people are all of the time. My other roommate said it's not my fault when I wanted to tell her I'm sorry. He said that she wouldn't like me knowing why she was upset, so I shouldn't. Stupid, complicated social rules. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when she comes home. Her mood affects me a lot.

Second, well, I'm probably going to move closer to school. That means leaving my roommates, Bailey, Elly, my parents' laundry and food service, the people I've met through the autism group, the people I know through the faith group (although I plan on coming back for the once a month services), the church that I just started calling my home, the people from schema group, the chance to get back into DBT, the professors who I have befriended - basically all that sustains me. I will also leave weekly therapy. My therapists said that they will keep in touch. The one who I saw for almost four years is doing a horrible job at that already, so I'm convinced that they'll leave too. I might get to keep my pdoc because my permanent address will still be in this county. That makes me happy. But on the same token, I probably should make it a clean transition. There is so much to think about. And so much that will change. It's a big step. And, as my therapists have said, I'm ready. But I'm so afraid of going downhill, being lonely, and having relationships get more distant. I'm living it up now though. I'm cherishing the time with my roommates and using the time with my therapist wisely. I've got the opportunity to speak in a class once more and to do one more lecture. I'm being more mindful when I spend time with Elly. These are signs that I'm going to do just fine. I just need to believe in myself. I need to accept change instead of fight it. Like I said a couple paragraphs ago, good things come with time. I thought my relationship with a friend was done for. But now it's healthier than it's ever been. I don't like the fact that we talk so infrequently and that I see her even less, but the quality keeps me going. I know she's there even between contacts. That's my ultimate goal in every relationship. It's a hard concept for me to get. But, again, this only testifies to the fact that I will make it.

I am ridiculously behind on reading blogs, both Xanga and non, so don't take it personally if I should know something that I don't. I'm not doing the best job juggling all that I have to do: work, school, meetings/activities, time with roommates, keeping up with friends on Facebook and online journals...It doesn't seem like much, but the work/school thing is the worst. I subbed all day on Thursday. I normally can't sub Thursday afternoons (and I thought that I couldn't sub at all that day, but they called me) because I work. Well, I got some time off work to do an observation for class, so naturally, I worked up to the observation time and then went to my other job. Brilliant. And then I took the job all day on Friday. I get kind of paranoid that if I turn down a sub job (this was the first this year I've accepted out of four calls) then they won't call me. And subbing is fun most of the time. And I specifically want to work in the SEI and ECDD (emotionally impaired and early chilidhood) classrooms, so I figure, the more I sub, the greater the chance that I'll end up in one of those two places. But I need to remember that I am a half time graduate student with a long commute on Wednesdays and I work part-time already (one week is full-time an the other is less than 20 hrs, so it balances out). I also have been actually being a good staff, which means not much time for homework because I'm interacting with the consumers and taking them places. The result is that I am behind on reading almost beyond repair. Tomorrow is homework day. I would catch up almost if I had the whole day to read, but I have a paper as well, which will take a lot of time because I don't have enough confidence back to not stare at the page for several hours before getting it done. Okay, that was a long self-centered paragraph.

In other news, my roomates are engaged!!!!! I took care of their dog while they went away for a romantic time last weekend. My roommate called me on Friday and said that my other roommate had proposed. I kind of had an idea that was going to happen because she told me not to tell him that she suspects he's going to propose. And then his father came over to drop something off, and he asked me not to tell her that his father stopped by. I am very happy for them though. Then yesterday, my roommate asked me to be one of her bridesmaids! I've never been in a wedding before. And none of my friends my age are married, so it's going to be a first-time experience. I couldn't believe she asked me. That helped my self-esteem a lot and reinforced that people don't hate me.

Speaking of that, I was looking through an old anxiety workbook where we rated anxities, and "afraid that people will hate me" was an 87 out of 100. Some things take a while to change.

Football has not been good. UM's been winning and MSU's been losing. I hope ND can pull this one off. They're up 17-3 on Purdue in the 3rd quarter.

Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow. That's the plan. I have more things to write, and I really need to write more.

Oh, and I'm officially a grad student! I had lots of trouble registering because apparently I used the wrong program code on my application. You'd think since they had the last half of the summer that'd it be fixed in time for the start of school, but oh well. At least they didn't decide not to admit me. I was afraid I was going to be the first case of being accepted to the program but not the grad school.

I came to a realization the other day about the area in which I live. I was at orientation for grad school, and I told them where I graduated from in undergrad. The advisor then asked, "do you plan to return to a rural area to practice?" What? I live in town, with people and stores and chain restaurants...but then it dawned on me. There are two country music stations on the radio here, and even the others play some country. And I can take back roads to neighboring towns, which are closer together than the span of the city where I went to orientation. And the town in which my parents live has a two block long main street. Okay, so I guess this is rural. I'd just always pictured rural as a southern area with dirt roads and one K-12 school building.